This is an honest account of how it feels to have your access to your child revoked, from a close friend of mine. I wanted this post on my blog for awareness & ideally I’d love it to stop any parent who is thinking of revoking access for no reason bar to hurt the other parent involved.
Life as a seemingly redundant father, a relationship breaks down. The mother takes the child of both parents with her when she leaves, as it’s the “norm”. What happens next is always very different, depending on relationship and circumstance.
Here’s my story.
Myself and my partner split up as we weren’t happy together. No huge arguments, never even the notion of violence, we just weren’t happy. At first everything was fine, I saw my then 14 month old son on a regular basis, with no real animosity between myself and my ex partner. Something changed.
I found out that I had been cheated on, with 4 different guys, over a space of 2 years. I was devastated but didn’t go mad at her. I knew I had to keep things as calm as possible, as she’d make contact difficult. I asked her about it, explained I wasn’t happy but said we needed to move on and keep things amicable for the sake of our son.
A couple of days later, she called me to see if it was ok to take our son on holiday to the Lake District with her father. I, of course agreed to this, knowing my boy would love it. We agreed that I would see him when they got back, nothing seemed odd here.
During the time of their “holiday” (I had received texts saying they were having a wonderful time etc), I carried on getting emails from my son’s nursery. As background to this, this is a wonderful nursery who send daily emails of what my son has done, meals eaten etc. I called the nursery to question why I was receiving the emails, due to my boy being away. Their answer “he’s been here all week”.
Understandably confused, I called my ex partner to question this. Her response “I just didn’t want to see you”. Obviously I now had a slight issue in the fact she’d used her own personal feelings to stop me seeing my son. I asked her why.
She explained that she now didn’t want me seeing my son, and that was that. Conversation over. She blocked me
on her phone, and all social media. I’ll admit, I was furious, but what could I do? I contacted the courts to see what I could be done. The advice I was given was to first try mediation. I have now booked that 3 times, costing a total of £270, none of which she has attended. I have now applied for a court date, to sort out contact and custody, costing, without solicitors fees, £250. With solicitor fees on top, I’ll be looking at a cost of well in excess of £2,000. Frankly, I don’t care about that. All I want is to see my son.
At this point, the solicitors are telling me that what she is doing is illegal (a lady in Scotland recently jailed for this exact behaviour). I don’t want that. I want my son to have a great relationship with both his parents. I doubt that any of this story will ever be relayed to my son when he is older.
She has now moved away from her parents house (where she first lived post break up), and lives god knows where, and has taken him out of his nursery, which was my only lifeline to him. At this point its important to note that 1) I am named as the father on the birth certificate, and 2) I COULD legally have gone to his nursery, picked him up and taken him home at any point. The reason I didn’t is because I knew he loved his nursery, they loved him, and he was developing really well there. I now have to wait probably another couple of months to see my rapidly growing, now 18 month old, boy.
Imagine this scenario. You wake up every morning, the first thing you think of is your child. You walk into his room, sit on the floor with your hand on his cot, wishing and praying that you feel a little hand touch yours, hear his little excited voice and see him smile for the first time that day. Imagine how devastating it is when that never happens. I now hate waking up. It’s actually hard to communicate how much of a hole in your life this leaves, how utterly heartbreaking it is.
What I will say is, keep things as amicable as you can. Because of one person’s selfishness, I’m missing out on my boy, and him on his father and brother.
It will get better. If you’re in this situation, get help. Go see someone as soon as you can, and most of all remember the ONLY thing that matters in this are the children involved.
Thank you for reading.