*Mic tap*

This is to all of you who feel the need to throw the L word around like it means jack to the person you’re saying it to, this blog is for you two guys & you know who you are.

Guy One
I’ve known you for nearly 10 years now & before said incident I genuinely couldn’t be with a single man without thinking of how perfect you were & how awful they were in comparison.
You made me feel amazing & your smile had me hooked from day one even though you left me waiting around on our first date for two entire hours. I continuously thought ‘what if?’ about you.
What if we hadn’t split up? What if I hadn’t listened to people about you? What if we’d have had a child together?
Heck that has been going around in my head for nearly five years now, five entire years of kicking myself for leaving you. Five years of crying myself to sleep because I’d met another waster of a man, another liar, another abusive idiot.

I couldn’t believe my luck when you finally replied to my messages, when you finally took the apology & started talking to me again. Giving me hope that maybe just maybe we could get back to what we used to be.
I’ve never felt so protected than when I was with you but the messages were sporadic & hurtful, random & confusing.
Two years went past where you kept promising to see me, after your operation, soon no soon I promise. Only, that never came around & I got sick of being taken for a ride, some may say I deserved it for leaving you but you never said that.

I couldn’t believe my luck when you finally had a genuine conversation with me, one with feeling & one where you were actually serious.
You said you never stopped loving me, you loved me at that second & that we could ‘work’. You told me things I’d never heard before, how you used to watch me sleep, stroke my face & laugh at my stupid sleeping face.
Then you had to leave for work & I never heard from you again. Now typing this I have to laugh but at the time I was elated to hear you felt the same as me but brutally crushed that you literally dropped me like a sack of cr*p.
You haven’t spoken to me since & its been 3 months now.

Thank you for saying the words you said, although they hurt & now seem to be utter bull poop-ola. I finally have the closure I need from you.
If you ever do read this ‘G’ then I wish you well with your future, enjoy & appreciate whatever beautiful woman you end up with.
Don’t leave them for an Xbox yeah?!

Guy Two
Honestly this was a shock to me that you even replied to me, the way in which we met was odd but frankly hilarious.
The second we started messaging properly I honestly believed ‘OH WOW, I’ve found him’ then we spoke on the phone & the minutes ticked into hours, to the point where each phone call would always last an hour.
Each phone call, no awkward silences, easy talking & we could be, what I thought, was honest with one another. At the very least 2 of these conversations a day.
You seemed absolute perfect, I told you I thought there was something up & there certainly was. You were hiding a big ol’ dirty secret.

You explained why you kept it from me & that it wasn’t what it seemed, heck I genuinely believed you. You were so genuine & your reasoning seemed logical.
Months ticked by & I honestly thought that was it, I never needed to talk to another man ever again. F•ck how wrong was I, we fell out twice. You went silent.
More stuff came out & I would cry to myself for being such a complete & utter sap. Another man has made be believe him & he’s just taken all my feelings & cr*pped them out.

You came back AGAIN & I believed you, you sounded so sad, you would keep saying in a round about way that you loved me.
This is where our story ends because it didn’t get far.
You messed more than just myself & my feelings around, life is hard for you but for me I’ve been left alone reeling from another failure.
I gave everything for you, put up with god knows what & I’ve been pushed to the side.

I don’t thank you for saying ‘I love you’ I will resent you until my dying moment, I love you means a lot to me & I assume to others it means the same.
You cannot love someone & ignore them, even going through what you have you can update your GRAM but not wish someone you claimed to love Happy Birthday. That was my last straw EVEN though we hadn’t spoken in ages I honestly believed you would say Happy Birthday but no.

If you do read this then I want to know you honestly had someone who would have worshipped the ground you walked on, would have clearly put up with so much SH•T, was prepared to do anything & put up with the repercussions from people around me.
I wish you well with your life & I hope you don’t do this to another genuine human being as not everyone is as cold hearted as I am.

Please stop using the words ‘ I love you ‘ so loosely, they carry so much meaning & are bandied around far too loosely.
I honestly have the worst track record with men, I believe everything I’m told & get ‘The Feels’ far too quickly.
I’ve learnt to build up a REALLY thick skin as to not be bothered by the failure or the hurt. Others aren’t so lucky.

Ladies & gents, don’t feel the need to reciprocate a ‘I love you’ if you don’t feel the same.
It may feel awkward at the time but trust me nothing is worse than saying I love you when you don’t mean it & I haven’t meant it in years.